So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
