I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
