When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
