You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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