I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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