No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
