Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'm always down for nudity.
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