Whats the glycemic index on semen?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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