We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
