um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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