Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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