I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
