Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
