May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
