K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
