Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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