so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
