I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
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Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
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Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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