my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
