so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
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She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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