dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
