if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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