i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
