Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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