Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
