My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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