Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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