I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
