woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
