That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
