Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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