ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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