this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
