While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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