He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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