Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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