i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
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and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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