just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
