I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
