so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
