so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
