Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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