I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
