This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
