Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
