Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
