Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
