i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
