my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
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The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
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you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.