peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.