How is your vagina???
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.