I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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