I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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