i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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