was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
i've created a new STD.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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