do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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