i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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